FURTHER ADVENTURES IN BEING INVISIBLE // HIGHER SELF REAL TALK
Last night while walking home from the show, I felt myself overcome with anxiety. There is something about walking down a street at night that makes me feel like a target, like someone is going to cross my path and definitely fuck with me. I don’t know what it stems from, but I have an idea it has little to do with actual risk and a lot to do with fear propaganda. This propaganda masquerades largely as something valuable, such as mainstream news reports which talk about nothing but how the world is out to get you. Violent movies, books and music also put these ideas in our heads that if you are alone at night, even in your own neighborhood, you are at risk of being mugged or attacked. For whatever reason, I have always felt very susceptible to this fear, staying on guard when I am out alone and even when I’m not. Sadly I feel women and the queer community struggle with this more than others. This is just unacceptable! We need to take our security back.
Usually I keep this fear to myself because I am embarrassed over letting it affect me so much, but last night I opened up to Erik about it while we walked the 40 blocks home. I said, “I feel vulnerable on the street. I feel like I am out in the open and anyone can just walk up and fuck with me.” He asked me to relay once again what the wizard/magician in my dream a couple of weeks ago said. He reminded me of how I was instructed to match my vibration to that of my surroundings in order to become invisible. He said, “Be the street. Be the people on the street. If you are the street, then nobody on the street will fuck with you.” This stopped me dead in my tracks! I immediately felt safer and in complete control of my environment. Any fearful visions I had of being mugged or hassled dissipated entirely. We continued discussing this as we walked and by the time we were home, I was beaming. All day today I’ve been repeating this advice to myself. It really applies to anything. Afraid of giving a speech in class? Be the classroom; be the class! Nervous about a performance of any kind? Be the dance floor, be the stage, be the audience. Be what you want. Be the setting of your life. Be the backdrop to any scene you find yourself in. Understand that what you see outside is what you are inside. Don’t justify your fears by viewing yourself as a victim based on any part of yourself; your gender, your sexual orientation, your physicality, anything. Beyond everyone deserving to feel safe, everyone deserves to know that they are safe. It all comes down to a matter of choice. Be afraid, attract fearful situations. Be peaceful, attract compassion and understanding.
Now, when I walk around, I will hold my head high and understand that I am invisible. I am my environment. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the safest neighborhood in Portland or my old sketchy neighborhood in Oakland. I am invisible! I am the street! You are the street! And it’s a beautiful street.
